PAULA WHYMAN

  curiouswriter

The 9/11 Commission's report has accused the government of, among other things, a lack of imagination. This is because it's not up to the government to use its imagination except when writing the tax code. For that reason, screenwriters and suspense-thriller writers have, in the past, been hired by intelligence agencies to think up scenarios which might not have occurred to the intelligence community, in order to prepare for whatever would-be terrorists might dish out. In the spirit of patriotism, then, I offer this list of easily obtained, inexpensive everyday items that, with some imagination, could be configured to pose a threat to our citizens.

1. Baby powder: Much has been said about anthrax, but why hasn't anyone mentioned the little-known hazard of airborne baby powder, which, when blown through the space under a closed door using a hair dryer, can make a really big mess? (And who isn't aware that talc, if inhaled over a period of time, causes cancer in lab animals?)

2. Pennies: When squeezed into the cracks between a closed door and the door jamb, pennies can be used to seal a door shut from the outside, trapping Americans inside their homes, after which the abovementioned baby powder attack would prove all the more dastardly.

3. Duct tape: While many have been led to believe that duct tape is the first line of defense against a terrorist attack, the permanent sticky residue it leaves behind on everything it touches is a perfect vector for a stealth attack, because it makes seemingly normal people go insane. Imagine the impact duct tape residue could have on the stability of the population if it suddenly began to turn up in unexpected places (e.g., door knobs, toilet seats, Starbucks coffee-cup holders). Our citizens would quickly turn against each other with the sudden violence known as Residue Rage.

4. Legos: The copious distribution of small- and medium-sized Lego blocks over a large open area, particularly in a darkened family room through which one must walk in order to reach the refrigerator in the middle of the night, will result in severe pain and injury, similar to treading on broken glass.

5. Canadian Geese: In terms of large-scale WMDs, a flock of Canadian geese has few equals. Even a small flock, say the size of the one that's co-opted the pond in your office park, has the potential to be harnessed and used as a dirty bomb. If Canada goose-bombs were dropped on a densely populated location, the U.S. Capitol building for instance, collateral damage from numerous "land mines" could impact thousands of pedestrians, and clean-up would be hampered by the unusual weather conditions in the area, most notably the frequent blasts of hot air and 40-mph windbags.

6. Rubber jar openers: This nonmetallic, apparently harmless object-the thin, flexible rubber sheet the size of a slice of bologna that you got for free from your realtor-could easily make its way onto domestic or international flights and be used to administer especially painful and intimidating Three Stooges nose twists on unsuspecting passengers and crew. Pilots won't have time to reach for their pistols, Air Marshals will be teary-eyed, and no one will have time to read the ad that's printed on one side. Rubber jar openers must be stopped!

7. High-protein energy bars: Dumping Power Bars in the city reservoir would foul the water supply, necessitating an expensive and lengthy Superfund-style clean-up. And the water would taste really bad. The half-life of energy bar ingredients has never been studied.

8. Prozac: The antidepressant has already been found in British rivers and streams. Does anyone believe this was an accident? It's only a matter of time before American waters are contaminated by happy pills. While we grin vacuously, hoping that this too shall pass, the terrorists will release the geese.

9. Hardcover editions of Don Delillo's massive novel, Underworld: Would cause widespread panic and probably no small number of trampling deaths if dropped from some height onto the linoleum floor of a crowded shopping mall. Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow would also work, in a pinch. Remember, books can be dangerous!

10. Paris Hilton: Would cause widespread panic and probably no small number of trampling deaths if dropped from some height onto the linoleum floor of a crowded shopping mall. Other people the terrorists think Americans love, like Martha Stewart and Britney Spears, may be substituted.

In conclusion, it seems clear that intelligence agencies must track purchases of potentially dangerous items, such as baby powder, Legos, and Power Bars. I can only hope that the government will follow Commission recommendations and begin to use its imagination when it comes to second-guessing terrorists.

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