PAULA WHYMAN

  curiouswriter

It has come to my attention that Tony Orlando has a huge fan base in France.  It's looking like he could even be the next Jerry Lewis.  I'm wondering if he's aware. 

Tony? 

Do you feel the love? 

Sentez-vous l'amour?

I feel like I should preface this by saying that I think guns are bad.  I think war is bad.  I think fighting is bad, especially when it's over the number of rubber bands in one's possession (see earlier post on this topic in honor of Mother's Day).  Like my parents before me, I will not give my children toy guns to play with. 

Full disclosure, however:  The one who went as a cowboy this Halloween had two toy pistols in his possession for a single night, which only served to prove the point, since they were immediately turned on his brother, who in turn wielded his ninja sword, and the rest is history, as are the toy weapons. And, shocking disclosure--My parents who would never in a million years give me a cap gun or a GI Joe when I was a kid, gave my children toy soldiers.  Huh??  Luckily, the soldiers aren't so attached to their roles; they make good farmers, too.

And now is when I get sappy, a condition I previously exhibited only during dog food commercials.  

I'm grateful today to be able to tell my kids that sometimes democracy actually works.

I'm grateful to be around to participate in this historic moment and, I hope, the ones to follow.

I'm grateful that I don't have to move to Canada.  (No joke, I would've considered it.  I hear you can see Alaska from there.)

I found myself (uncharacteristically) sobbing along with Jesse and Oprah during Obama's acceptance speech, and not just the part where he said he was getting his kids a puppy, although that did put me over the edge.  In part, it was out of relief that this long, dark period may finally be coming to a close.

Uncle.

Okay, I said it.  On the best day, I can listen to four songs by AC/DC, the four good songs.  But somehow XM has managed a month (or more? it seems like more...) of 24/7 AC/DC on channel 53.  I get it, there's a new album.  Now please bring back Fungus 53.  I miss Pennywise.

According to sources, XM/Sirius is playing AC/DC until January, and axing Fungus completely. This is just the kind of nonsense I predicted in my earlier post on this merger.

So, hey--My subscription is up for renewal in January--Anyone listening?  Please don't make me shout.

So are more people interested in Tony Orlando or Brad Pitt?  The answer would seem obvious, but it's a theory worth testing.  If you peek at artsyfartsytim.blogspot.com, you'll see we have some crucial scientific research going on.  Why does Tony Orlando get so many hits?  (But, note to A.F. Tim, I don't think the prisoners are the ones there with the internet access??)  Will Brad Pitt (pictured here in Thelma and Louise) inspire the same interest?  Why does Brad keep bleaching his hair?  (He's going, Gee, is it that obvious?  Yes, Brad, it is.)  

I was in the CVS today in a town I will not name.  I needed, among other items, a flashlight.  After searching up and down the aisles (there were about 20 aisles), I asked where to find a flashlight. 

"We don't have those right now.  That's a seasonal item," I was told. 

So, darkness is seasonal?  I'm going outside right now to look for the aurora borealis...

In this very same store, however, there is a large selection of Chia Pets.  What a relief!  My emergency Chia Pet needs can now be fulfilled

I know I'm not supposed to be joking about this, but what should I do, cry? 

So, I went into the bank today to get some money, and they still had some there, much to my surprise.  Given what I've been hearing in the news, I expected all the teller windows to be shut, and "Come back later" scrawled with a Sharpie on the outside.  The bank manager asked if he could help me (usually, in the bank, they ignore me--maybe I looked dangerously deranged?).  So I told him I wanted to make a withdrawal and transfer some funds to the Mattress Account.  His smile frozen in place, he said, amiably, "We try not to make jokes like that here..."  

My essay, Three Books about Desperate Suburban Men will
be broadcast this evening on All Things Considered!  If you miss it,
you can hear the podcast on their website, and read the text, beginning
after 7pm EST.  Read it here.

I was in NY this weekend, when I saw Eliot Spitzer, near Central Park, in the East 60s.  He was driving a minivan.  So now we know the real punishment for his transgressions:  His wife is making him drive the carpools.

See my guest blog on Leslie Pietrzyk's site today:  Work-in-Progress.

It's a parody in response to those books about writing that are written by famous, successful people, which are often of little use to most of the rest of us...